Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Days of Our Lives

"She is gone."

Left me alone in this world full of cries and celebrations and gone. I am angry. With her, with life and with ‘this’ world around me. I begged her not to go, I told her to be there all the time, but she is gone. I kept calling her... shouting and screaming at the top of my voice… but she did not stop.

Now-a-days, everyday I wake up; they are sitting there looking at me. They put me in water and then the torture begins. They ask me to open my mouth and put stuff in it. I feel drowsy and then… Water. All over me. Well, considering the rest of my day, the water is still a relief. I tell them, I don’t want to do it today, they don’t listen. They give me some food and water, for the rest of the day. Give me a white liquid to drink… they call it milk. “Here, drink this”, they say.

I am loaded with stuff on my back and transported to this strange place.

"Is it a slide?"

Am sitting and thinking. There is sand around me and rocks and I can see a huge structure. There are a few people around. All busy in their stuff. They have nearly the same story. But they can’t think, can they? A lot of them cannot, and a lot of them DO not. Some of them have come to terms with this daily suffering.

I think she wants me to eat… She thinks if I do, I will forget everything. I want to scream and ask her to go. She wants to talk to me like she does with everyone else around. I don’t want to talk to her. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I am ok the way I am. They think I am like a kid. They think I will soon turn into a person who will comprise with the situation and give up screaming and thinking. They understand I am different. I understand I am different too. They will soon take us into that darkish chamber. Everyone will be shut into it and the door will close. There she will start shouting and screaming.

"Again her same song starts"

The others are singing to her tunes. Why? Can’t they see what’s happening? How can they be so naïve? I want to go out. Out in the open, run away from here, but the door is closed. Once I was able to open the door and go out, I was held by the guards and was brought back. She is screaming at someone. Someone who is hungry and trying to eat. “No eating this stuff”, she is saying. And there are cries. She began to cry… Why is he crying? A lot of them are crying now. Going through the pain and experiencing it too. But they will stop. She will feed them what they like. They will start thinking she is their friend. She is in control.

I still remember the good old days. I can still remember a bit of it. It was a cozy place. My house. A few years ago. It was slightly small and a bit dark; I used to be a bit cramped in it, but it was mine. I was not alone. My parents used to be around. We used to interact with each other. I was happy then. Why have things changed so much?

"Let me read a bit… where is the bus?"

Oh, the door has opened, they will take us out. There are other people outside from various other chambers. I can see her hiding the knife. As if I don’t know what’s going to happen now. One of us will be randomly chosen. There are usually some strangers at this time. They hold flash lights. I will have to close my eyes, sometimes the flash light is pointing at me. So, today, she will be taken to the knife, she was good, never used to cry, she used to be happy even in this misery… still she is the one chosen for today… and… someone will be born.

"Happy B’day to you… "

Cries for some, and celebrations for some. This is my everyday life. She will cut in small pieces and those pieces will be fed to us.

"Oh that’s the bus… "

Did I see her? I think I did through that crack. Is she also here? Or is she back for me, to take me back from here?

Why is she looking at me? She has my backpack. She wants to load me again. The door opens. I run.

Amma carry”, I shout. She is smiling and she picks me up. Haaa… the school is over. It will again happen tomorrow, but till then, life is good. I am happy.

"She is back. She is not gone away."